Centerfield

Damn you, Tully, I've got actual work to do today!

Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 11:50 AM

From the first prize winning entry of the Edward Bulwar Lynton contest for Bad Writing:

The lovely woman child Kaa was tied to the stake of the great warrior chief Beast when the clear ringing voice of the brave hero Handsomas shouted "Flick that Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal."

Posted by: Blue Jean at March 30, 2006 12:13 PM

Be cool. She'll hold.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 12:18 PM

Two from a recent Newsweek issue.

#1.

"We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own." - Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan, on Tasering and taking into custody Jakub Fik, 33, who severed his own penis and threw it at police after officers confronted him while responding to a property-damage call. Doctors at Chicago's Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's organ.

#2.

"Having a smoking area in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool." - Thomas Pfeffer, of the American Heart Association in Los Angeles, on his support of a Calabasas, Calif., law—the first of its kind in the United States—that bans smoking in public places where people can be exposed to secondhand smoke.

Posted by: Todd Pearson at March 30, 2006 12:58 PM

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Posted by: Bob J Young at March 30, 2006 01:09 PM

The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules. All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 01:42 PM

Pat-

I don't agree with some of your politics, but your taste in movies is unparalleled.

'Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.'

Posted by: Scott at March 30, 2006 01:48 PM

And the secret prize of 10 points goes to Scott for correctly identifying the source of my quotes! There's a quote for all occasions in that movie. I'm hoping more people chime in with quotes so I can unleash some of my real favorites.

P.S. If you don't know what movie we're talking about, you're an utter heathen, and you'll have to search for it yourself; we're not going to tell you the name of it.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 02:03 PM

"Was that one of the more satisfying dumps you've had?"

-- Sideline reporter Suzy Shuster to Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after he was doused with Gatorade

....from the sports guy annals.

Posted by: bk at March 30, 2006 02:13 PM

You're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to carry on, then you leave me in the lurch while you strap on your six-guns...

Brian, I ate a big serving of crow and humble pie in that math thread. You going to come down to Louisiana and let me buy you dinner and a beer in recompense for the wrongful aspersions I cast on your fine degree, which was in no way obtained from a CrackerJack box? Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 02:43 PM

i'd absolutely love to do this, and we've both always wanted to visit New Orleans as well. When we make this trip, you'll definitely be on the itinerary.

My sneakiest scheme though would be to plan a trip down that way during the jazz festival in the spring, because that's when my wife is really busy at her job. So I might even be able to go by myself. :-)

Whereabouts are you in Louisiana anyway? I've got a tiny map at my desk which shows Shreveport, Baton Rouge, and NO.

Posted by: bk at March 30, 2006 02:55 PM

Pat, I had that one down cold while you were still worrying about...well, let's just say I'm older than you, so laugha while you can, monkey-boy.

Posted by: Tully at March 30, 2006 03:04 PM

It's not my goddamn planet. Understand, monkey boy?

Tully, you're permanently disqualified from all prizes because, well, I suspect you of secretly being the freakish Ken Jennings.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 04:07 PM

Brian, squint real hard at the dot labelled Baton Rouge, and you should see my house. You're always welcome, I've got a spare guest room and everything.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 04:08 PM

Ken Jennings? Nope, not a Mormon. :-)

I'm seriously stifling a Princess Bride quote right now as being entirely too egotistical. But I'm sure in the miserable annals of Earth you will be duly inscribed.

My mind is a-glow with whirling transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

(PS--the followup line is the funny one!)

Posted by: Tully at March 30, 2006 04:20 PM

Ditto.

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 04:28 PM

LOL. You know that's the wrong tag line, you're just being polite....

Posted by: Tully at March 30, 2006 04:36 PM

As movie quotes go, sometimes you can get a good line out of a bad film:

A person is smart. People are stupid, panicky, dangerous animals.

This one's not from a movie, but I always liked it:

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Posted by: Staunch Moderate at March 30, 2006 04:38 PM

Tully, according to IMDB, I say ditto, and then YOU get the next line... I was being kind by feeding you the straight line. Now tell me, which Princess Bride line were you thinking of? Was it this one?

Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

Westley: You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Westley: Yes.

Vizzini: Morons.

Staunch, excellent quotes, both of them... but don't tell the second one to the wingnuts, it'll only encourage them!

Posted by: PatHMV at March 30, 2006 05:22 PM

Dang, ya got me, Pat! I fluffed it, and I woulda swore that no one could ace me on that particular flick. I was thinking of the tag line and got the wrong setup line. The one I meant to utter was:

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

You can see how I confused them. I blame it on the children. They cause insanity, you know. Ask any parent. (Trivia point--that movie was originally released in theaters in at least three slightly different edits, and trying to track them all down can drive you nuts. To make it worse, the Bowdlerization of it for various broadcast markets has added at least three more "edited" versions to the mix, with the editing varying by the PC sensibilities of the broadcasters.)

It would be just as egotistical to answer your question as it would be to utter the lines myself, no? :-)

Well, nobody's perfect.

Posted by: Tully at March 30, 2006 05:57 PM

Ditto? Ditto, ya provincial putz??!

Posted by: Blue Jean at March 30, 2006 06:43 PM

The line I was setting him up for (before I set myself up instead, proving that I am NOT Ken Jennings, as my accountant can verify) is considerably less PC than that one! :-O

I am not complaining, but I usually don't like my filth this clean.

Staunch makes a great point--some of the best lines (and best scenes!) come out of "less-than-classic" movies.

Posted by: Tully at March 30, 2006 07:52 PM

Well, not from any movies, but thought I'd share a couple quotes I've always liked:

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane

And:

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Philips

Oh, and what the hell, one more:

"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire

Posted by: mitch at March 30, 2006 08:59 PM

I very much need to see that movie again.

In fact there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them count. The Altairian Dollar has reacently collapsed, the Flainian Pobble Bead is only exchangable for other Flainian Pobble Beads, and the Triganic Pu has its own very special problems. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one pu is simple enough, but since a ningi is a triangular rubber coinsix thousand eight hundred miles alon each side, no one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ningis are not nogotiable currency, because the Galactibanks refuse to deal in such fiddling change. From this basic premice it is very simple to prove that the Galactibanks are also the product of a deranged imagination.

-Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy

Posted by: Jon Kay at March 30, 2006 11:45 PM

"I think we're all bozos on this bus."

-Firesign Theater

If you were around in the early 70's this will come back to you like a hot kiss at the end of a wet fist.

Posted by: Dennis at March 31, 2006 10:26 AM

Go ahead, Dennis. Inflate your shoes. Squeeze the wheeze! Then follow the rubber line to the sanitary pedestal.

And always remember, Deputy Dan has no friends.

Posted by: Tully at March 31, 2006 10:36 AM

You've got the wrong man Tully. I spell my name...Danger!

Posted by: Dennis at March 31, 2006 11:23 AM

Oh, whatever. Me, I'm gonna take off my shoes, climb a tree, and learn to play the flute! :-)

Posted by: Tully at March 31, 2006 12:16 PM

How about non-fiction?

"Having consumed portions of his first wife, he proceeded to take another: a go-go dancer from his Mechanized Suicide Brigade".

A long-time favorite of mine, it comes from "Modern Times" and refers to Idi Amin.

Posted by: Literally Retarded at April 1, 2006 07:55 AM

LOL, Tully. As long as you're not playing "The Magic Flute"; that's cursed, ya know! ;-)

April comes in like an idiot,
babbling and strewing flowers.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

Happy April Fool's Day, everybody.

Posted by: Blue Jean at April 1, 2006 10:56 PM

You a firehead Tully? I dug out the surviving LP's (Dwarf, Two Places, and Further Adventures) last night for another listen. My wife who is a few years younger hadn't heard them before. As we listened she remarked (about a hundred times!) that she had heard me say 'that' before as the memorable lines played. I'm amazed how many "Firesignisms" I've incorporated into my everyday language.

So, while E has always stood for excellent in my book, I guess it means I'm on empty. Over.

Posted by: Dennis/Clem at April 2, 2006 12:49 PM

You a firehead Tully?

Oh yeah. Since I first heard 'em in 1972.

Posted by: Tully at April 4, 2006 09:28 AM